i cried. again. because again. never do i want to anger you. argue with you. but now... you thought i took your kind will for granted. i really didnt. im really thankful. but how can i let you understand how i feel right now.... its so bad i really dont wish to live. its so hard for me to believe what i am doing... please girl... i hate to have haters. especially one i used to have feelings for....

i just want to have someone for me to hug and cry in right now

Having to do everything for you. Even after that fateful day... Still having to keep a promise. And to be wary for ur privacy.. Why is it never a time when people will think about my feelings... Why is it that people will not think about why im living like this every night.
That the moment I close my eyes the first thing I will think bout will be 20 July. The images.... Everything all will start popping out and the only way I can sleep is by drinking. Why is it  that no one care. Who knows what it feels to have the person u used to love so much and that you dont even what feelings u still have for her and now she's hating you. She's asking you for an argument. She's trying to find fault in you. Why? Who can understand this feeling? Who can... Oh god.... I dont want to live anymore...

Its a feeling too hard for me to get rid off... Just too hard..

complicated

Why are things so complicated right now... What's wrong again.... I just wish to focus on vball for aj sp im rejecting all clubs as instructed by mr.chua. So that is show off... How bout you wasn't meant for you... Yet you took it to be. Doesn't matter. What's worse, vball is the only thing left that I could be proud off. Show off a bit also got wrong. Then like that I must well just be a gnome and hide in a corner. There's no meaning in life. Nothing yo tell the world about yourself... My confidence is just this little right now already. Please? I beg of you. Stop stamping on me... Im not as strong as u think. Im still that fragile. Almost broke down again when zi ao mention lets live together at woodlands circle. Can cut hair at my.mum there for free. The first thing I could think of was your place. You know how hard it is to bear all those pain? You wont. Because you dont understand what it means to be me.
So please.... Dont... Please.... Take it as im begging you

confused

so what are my feelings telling me right now... damn it

packing

as i pack my cabinet. table. closet. everything. and what i found. i teared on the spot. its memories. haha. birthday cards. the snail. the starry card.... the bag.... and of cos. our picture thats in my wallet all these while. kinda interesting well. i guess it doesnt really matter now. we have our own lives... a different pillar of support. a different meaning in life already. of course im always here if u need someone to talk to... i might not be the same as before. like yea we drifted apart... very. so far i dont even feel u around. LOL lame. but, i will still give u my advice. and listen to your story. so jiayou bah. may the odds be ever in your favour

a weird dream

a dream i never wanted to have... its. not say a nightmare. but definitely not reality.

how is it possible to dream of joey, sherilynn and my pri sch friends sec sch friends at the same time? doesnt make sense. its just... weird? lol. guess weird ppl have weird dreams. and its a dream i will spend a lot of time thinking bout. wait its just a dream. so dont bother thinking bout it

why?

why is it that till now.. i feel so... cold. so hard? like.. so empty within me. what am i living for ? why am i fighting so hard to live? what am i trying to achieve? these qns keep popping out in my mind... what is wrong with me...

sis bday. oops im late by a day

wow, happy belated sis. LOL. and dinner. screw u its buffet at a 4star hotel. 50.80++ per pax?! lucky ur bf got that damn card to get 50% discount. but ok la. salmon and prawn and fish was great. desert was shit so was the ice cream. not to forget the lamb chop and sausages. WOOO stimmy. next week bro bday... what to get for him.. hmmm

weeee

mastered how to : spike subset, defend as a subset, back court spiking.

feel so proud... for 6 yrs i have never spiked subset as good as i can today. hope i can maintain it or even improve. LETSGOOOO~~~

a month plus has it been

its been a month since i used alcohol to put myself to sleep... kinda suck eh? hhaha. oh well. at least i get to sleep. thats something to be happy about :)

jiayou bah. dont give up... ur goals? to reach top 4? aint those more impt?

training at risk

so suffering from weak ankle and bronchitis at the same time.. training seem to be even harder to bear... perhaps i shud consider stopping already

listen to my story

this is the story of my life. the hardships i lived through.

at the tender age of 12, healthy and playful kid. kicking soccer and preparing for psle. unfortunate things happen from then. i dislocated my left elbow. losing strength in my left biceps and arm from then on. and slowly finding a way to regain the strength. 

age 14. met a girl i liked. got into a relationship. doesnt really matter right now. because its over. but i can say im really sorry for treating her so badly. a little to late when i tried to make amendments. too little, too late. let her go to her happiness will be better off. i cried. for weeks. no one knew. standing alone for a few weeks was never easy. 

age 15, doc says im down with acute bronchitis. lung air sacs infection. not at the stage where by i will die. but will affect my performance in sports, and ordered to rest for 3 month. so there goes all my fitness. 

age 16, down with weak ankle. due to a sprain when playing bball. from then on wore ankle guard to play any sports. again. another obstacle affecting my sporting performance.

age 17, failed to understand the meaning of studying. retained in jc. horrible nightmare. yet i lived with that fact. because i accepted it already. 

down with meniscus damage, jumpers knee. totally affected more than 10% of my jumping performance. but i bear with the pain.

age 18, met another girl that i liked. really tried to give my best this time. i failed. no regrets. i cant do anything bout it. cried. again. alone for another few weeks. perhaps months. only i will know. 

dislocated left shoulder 2 weeks before competition. that fear in me was crazy... i had to recover fast. i just had to....

shortly after... down with tendon inflammation due to excessive usage of knee muscles from back injuries... had to rest for 5 months. before receiving shockwave therapy. crazyily expensive treatment. and of course... pain again. like needles hitting your knee consistently... 

now. 25/10/12, im down with bronchitis again. and it got worsened... i have to rely on medication right now... so please dont bring me to places whereby ppl smoke. lol. it will hasten my death. just saying. 

the painful side of me... yet i choose to keep the happy side. as memories instead

DO NOT

dont use yoko yoko on back.. its not good... just stretch and let it relax... theres nothing you can do bout it...

my story...

a story that cannot be told to anyone... a story that i must keep to myself. a story i must live thru... if i still want ppl around me to be happy. ppl around me to be less concerned... smth that i wont tell.

hate this fact

haiz... my heart still wrenches when i see u... jia you bah.. u got loads to learn

i cried... again

so i cried again. nth new. its dumb... haiz... listened to a few songs and it triggered me off to thinking bout all the past again. dahell...

training

so this is the first time i train or lets say last touched a vball after 4 mths. kinda insane. no stamina. no jump. no skills. purely experience only... its hard. guess i will need to hit the gym more often. oh well... but bigger problem is my weak back cannot support the hang time i required in the air to spike... and my ankles are dying... damn.. i must find a way to hold it

for the first time

haiz...

haha im still not sleeping well nowadays... this sucks a lot. and my treatment failed. the pain is still there. so $500 flew away weeeeeee~ haiz. shall just live with it then

good to know

its good to see how well you are doing right now. keep it up. see you soon.  but till then. im no longer gary

so tired

everyday 11am - 9 pm in library. srsly i must be insane...

goodbye

再见了我的爱人。那个我爱的，同时也爱我的那个人。永远将见不了的你。再见了。

4 days

4 days left. and 9 days to go. plz just let me pull thru this... im really tired already

question

so u asked me if im still crying... yes i am.. and even tonight i am still. doing work. still cry. the night is so quiet... i miss the times when i will call u. but heck. who does? as i stare blankly into the skies and anticipating a full moon soon. i rmb the time when we met it was a full moon... just far... too much memories. i dunno how much longer can i hold myself....

sighs

even till today. i pray that u will come back. but i know thats not possible anymore. im just living in my own world

oh well. i guess with these memories.. it should be enough... and maybe im happy enough le bah.. hahaha.

hopefully

i hope... this wil be the last time i cry when ppl ask bout me and u... haha that wei li asked today after bball. and dahell my emotions get the better of me... oh boy oh boy ")

my heart

boy sure feels heavy everytime i see you. haha in school not in school also. lol @pizza hut. haiz... at least im glad u are doing well now i guess? lol. jiayou bah...

if i say

if i tell u i still love you. you might think its a lie. if i say i dont love you. i really am lying to myself. hahaha what kind of love last this long. oh boy... how terrible this feeling can get

singing your love songs

the title says it all :)

wa piang

till now still no mood study. no mood to even play. all i do is eat sleep stone. dafuq... haiz..

breathe... over and over again

this feeling

strange feelings.. im finally feeling numb...
but yet at the same time... feeling sour... and painful...
dafuq do i still cry... why...

dear girl...

dear girl.. i really love you... and please. do know that i am here for you... though i cant be there for u now... no matter what. life goes on. :)

movie

dont wish to enter a movie theater so badly... just dont want to

work work...

homework for now.... after promos will be hospital work... followed by part time work. lol

i wonder

i wonder how are you right now... is everything fine? haiz... i guess u cant feel anywhere better maybe... it sucks. went to chong pang. had tom yam soup. all those taste and flavours and memories.. they just keep pouring in. and it just had to rain. for god sake it just had to rain... horrible emotions...

just a dream

every night i cry

every night i cry the moment i think bout u. the moment i think bout all that ive done. the moment i think bout all those feelings i had... it just sucks so much... i cant stop crying... i hope its not depression im suffering from

if only..

if only you know how much i still love you, how much i miss you.. will you still come and hurt me again?

fack off

fack off fack off fack off fack off fack offfffffffffff if u dont have better things to say to me. GTFO! just like how u treated me when i am down sinister

shockwave therapy

boooom! went for shockwave therapy. omfg $250 per session. that made a hole in my wallet man. so fucking pain. before that required ultra sound scan. end up realize my right knee is out of shape. tendons inflammed and of course the entire knee got problem. so end up went for this stupid therapy. and for 20 min i was under this idiotic pain. not like hammer hitting but more like needles piercing. for freakin 20 mins... lucky the doc talked to me to distract me from this damn pain...

why do i sitll dream bout you... this time its so vivid. everything that is said... every action... haiz... again and again....

still can't forget

i still can't forget that last touch of your face... that lats hug... and those last words i ever said to you...

time is precious

time is running out. guess really should chiong le. been procrastinating far too much. this sucks a lot man. zzz hate staying at home. dad is being a nuisance. nag with all the shit. so much telling of stories and trying to be a dick. i hate being at home.

physics. math. chem. almost everything. haiz.... i dont wish to die here.

you look different already...

looking at ur photos now... and the past. you look so different.. u used to look more beautiful... more attractive... but right now. all that i see of you is a dull and no longer that attractive anymore... i dont know... perhaps its just perceptions... haiz

training

LOL kena knock out for a moment today during training. damn funny seeing stars and blur vision. its so damn cool. but walao it feels sick. LOL

haiz... i still cant bring myself to look you in the eye... its just not there yet. haiz...

it hurts.. really hurts.. because i still have that feeling... that bit of missing you... and that bit of loving you...

dreams

Why am I even dreaming about you... Doesn't make sense... I shouldn't be. And I dont think it's right for me to be... There's nothing left how is it possible. Ughhh now i can't sleep at all.... :'( every night is just so painful

song...

still thinking. and thinking

haiz. why must u text me. why are you even telling me how miserable u are feeling now? how horrible or whatever shit you are feeling now? what can i do? when you decided to leave me first... i don't know how to help... because i no longer have that responsibility to already... the rest is up to you already... haiz... i wonder how the future will unfold itself

funny

funny how things have changed. even more funny how i found my old self. lol. guess its time to rock and roll again

looking back

as i look back these past month.. i really really miss.. but i guess i shouldnt have that mindset already. still. it saddens me. lol. oh well... grateful to many people... my classmates, brothers, denecia, kar eng, mr chua, joelle... if not for them i srsly dont know if i could stand up and be strong again.... i must remember this. and help them in the future.

that high feeling..

that high feeling you get when u add salt to an ulcer. an ulcer as big as a 5c coin. holy fk.

so i saw u studying. thats good. at least you are working hard.

sat by the field as in rained. i love rains. it sets me thinking and i tend to be a little emotional. rains are nice. :)

great songs

when you were mine - lady antebellum

ready to love again- lady antebellum

as you turn away- lady antebellum

wanted you more- lady antebellum

hate the fact

hate the fact that i still miss you.. it sucks. really really sucks.. haiz... at least ur hair's permed already. i wont miss you as much. LOL

ready to love again

haiz... again

i don't hate you at all. it's very tiring to hate someone. especially someone you once loved a lot. its even more tiring... hope u can understand and stop hurling vulgarities at me. it sucks. and spoils ppl mood. just keep things to yourself willl you? haiz... so much to say. so much i hold back. because it will only spoil you. enjoy weekends bah. jiayou.

impatient

growing more and more impatient. i cant wait to get rid of you in my life. can't stand it anymore. i guess im starting to hate. really despising. but whatever~

promo in less than 7 weeks time. better rush.

you better promote. dont let ppl down.

complicated

should i hate you? or hate myself? or hate everything? hate the fact he hugs your bag. hate everything and anything.

思念

我真的很想念你，你为什么会就这样离开了我呢？我的心好痛。我爱你那么深，就是怕你会难过，没想到，爱得越深，你却走得越远。抓得太紧你却吵着要放开。你真的有爱过我吗？难道我真只是个代替者？我又那么的烂吗？我怀念海军部，怀念你家，怀念那只狗，怀念那张床，怀念的更多。。。

现在，我只希望，你过得还好。。。

再见了，我的爱人。。。

hurt

hurts... it still hurts... haiz... fuck my life man.

why...

why is it that the moment i think bout all that happened for the past 6 mth. i cry
why is it that the moment i think bout you i have a strong sense of disappointment and sadness
why is it that the moment i look at the photos we had, i cry.
why....

tried

force myself to hate you. failed. force myself not to have a sense of hostility against you. failed. tried to be amiable with you. failed. so just let it be. strangers

insane? yes i am

i'm taking this final step. final step to let you go. really go. i cannot stand having you talking mushy stuff and all those nonsense anymore. i cannot face it. so i decided to take this last step. its stupid. because deep inside me its hurting so badly to say all those words to you. but i guess its not a choice. i had to. its either i say and let you go off completely, or i am stuck in that small hole inside ur heart. waiting for you to dig it out. decided its better if u just hate me and leave me completely alone. maybe it will be better for both parties. haiz... regret? maybe maybe not. i chose this path. shall walk this path myself. without your company anymore. good bye forever i guess. i'm giving u up, because i think u will be much much much happier without me in ur life. jsut like sherilynn. so yea. go bah. i will just be a senior in ur vball team. thats all

you

everyone tells me, you aint worth me at all. i shall be a good boy. and let it be. you are no longer worth it anymore.

18th day

wow. saw queenie being emotional during my aftnn pe. haiz how sad can it get. well at least i got company for my therapy and physical training right now. lol at jing wei and queenie. damn funny.

and now, the only way i could bring myself to let go, is to take it that you gave me up for your team. and that its not cos of other things. that way i can maybe feel better. can say im avoiding the truth. but who cares if it can make me feel better? lol. sometimes avoiding the cruel truth can be happier.

gp test today. fucking fun man. so difficult. ahaha. can get 1 mark also song liao~ woo...

looking forward to tmr. but not the holidays. because i know u will be out enjoying with others. so i better shut my ears and eyes close

17days passed

17 days pass. 17 freaking days i never had a good night at all. 17 days i never slept for more than 3 hours. 17 days i had been losing focus, losing myself and losing what i set out for... something is wrong with me. i better fix myself soon.

so i forced myself awake, forced myself to do this and that. and the only thing i couldnt force myself to is to do hmwk. LOL totally no motivation at all. realize dreams of going prom tgr and everything all gone. it just dawn on me that u have left me. really left me. so i opened my eyes. but not sure which path to take anymore. i have no idea where to go...

chanced upon this video when i was browsing thru youtube. lol. the first time u been to my place and we were replaying this non stop LOL. epic moments.

decided. every month the 20th... will do smth to remind myself of smth. lol

moving on

well, doesnt hurt that much anymore. but the moment i think bout it again, cant help but feel sad. hahaha. oh well... meh. time to think of a duck climbing up a tree. lol.

so many epic stories of the olympics. kinda interesting, see athletes battle, make mistakes and the spirit and determination. there's a lot to learn. even from non-volleyball. some how i think its quite healthy to watch these stuff. lol.

so i didnt do hmwk this weekend. reflecting upon everything. and finding a solution to remove this pain. haha not easy at all man.

haha regarding vball... i shall see how much longer i can hold bah. shouldnt be a problem after i go for both my treatments next month :)

and to you my special friend. i hope u will have great memories, and look upon school happily. well i know u are enjoying sch now. haha. but dont forget to set your priorities :) jy bah... if u still wanna see me play 1 last time in a competition. lol. good night.

lol sia

lol. ur straight hair really looks better :/ but aiya your preference. lol. you like it can liao. so who spoilt ur night? lol go and take a stack of incense and shaft it into that bitch's ass hole. hahaha. joey im out of sporting already... but im going to push my self to my limits and see how far i can go. haha. study hard girl!

and i still wonder... how is it possible to love a person one day... and then another person the next day... it puzzles me... lol

denecia told me, it's your loss. for you might have lost the person who could have loved you most. i might have lost this moment of happiness, but i will learn to find people who deserves it more. so i stood back, think bout it. but i knew, you could always find a guy who could love you more than i could. :) all the best. jy!

hair perming day

lol so u permed your hair. shall wait to see the results then. lol.

haiz.. sad. because i was supposed to be there. but i guess things have changed... haha

pain

the pain of, having to give up someone you love so badly, just so that she could be more happy. this feeling. i doubt u really know what it means.

how can i bring myself to be happy?

when my feelings were never lost.

when all i feel is shattered and sadness

exactly 2 weeks

its been 2 weeks. time's up for me. but well, im no where near what i intended to be. i cried as i watched you walked towards canteen buy food, sit down eat, talk to queenie, talk to mr chua. and finally by coincidence we walked past each other... but we feel like strangers... what in the world is happening... haiz... i lost so much in just that few minutes...

good to know that you are training hard. jiayou bah. dont give up.

good night... rest well. sweet dreams.

lesson

to be the captain, you need not be the best player. you need to be the most motivational one
to be a vball player, you need not be a very strong person.
but having strength definitely will help you a lot. i know u are trying hard already. i know, but mr chua may not know. though he calls you weak, it might just serve as a way for you to strive even further? just like previously... what he told you bout me... perhaps he just want you to work a little harder? i know you have been working hard too... dont give up. u will reap the rewards off it. dont let a minor setback stop you.. you can de. jiayou!

13 days

so 13 days have passed... i'm still not close to totally moving on. i still think of you, look out for you, and trying to avoid you so you won't feel awkward. i wonder how have you been. well i no longer have any rights to ask, how are you? have you eaten? slept well? where did you go today? it feels so weird right now... so not used to it. but maybe in the future i will.

well chem spa i also got 4/20. imba. didnt even do calculation part cause titration all wrong. lol. dont worry, go memorize the answer key can de. work hard during training, and off training as well bah. u can do it de. well you are smiling more, laughing more and yea its good. very good. jiayou bah....

my treatment is during sep holiday, my ankle treatment is next sat. but no one can be there for me. how sad. just sad...
you said you need a long hug... i think i need more than just that right now

start of august

time is ticking real fast~ less than 55 days already. jiayou bah. so i saw you today after math test, snapped at you. wonder if u did saw me and just pretended you didnt, or you really didnt see me at all. but i doubt its the second one. its too obvious already. math test sucks right? LOL. its just a sample of aj math.

went for workout, dancen study and ball. after that went to observe training a while. everyone needs to buck up, really everyone. but well i guess physical aint good enough for everyone. even the guys. so just jiayou bah...

met denecia after that for dinner. great friend. talked bout my feelings and the relationship we had. well i guess what she says does make a lot of sense. and very encouraging. but ultimately, no one knows what my feelings really are... oh well. doesn't matter anymore already.

feelings are still there. it still hurts. i will even cry... but no one can be there for me.

knock knock.
who's there?
~~~ who?

my life story

grew up as a humble kid, knowing nothing and liking nothing other than pplaying vball. loved the colour orange under influence of sherilynn. started learning how to fight to protect her as her class got bullies. turned to computing in sec 3 as classmates are all gamers. jc 1 broke up, lost my meaning of love. couldnt pick myself up and fell deep down the pit. repeat jc 1, met joey. influenced to take care of her. loved her as hard as i could. and she did so too. learnt my mistake from sherilynn, but realize i approached things the wrong way. but things ended up too late. started eating spicy stuff, and disliked eating many food under her influence. first drank winter melon tea and started to like it. first official trip to watami with her. great place to eat. changed my personality. good temper control and after losing her. started to look at things more positively. much more not stated, these are more significant which changes my character a lot.

thankful to all those who made me a better man today

dear joey

hi there, how have you been? hope you are doing well right now. good luck for math test tmr :)

i know its time to move on, its time to give up. you made a choice. and guess its time i made mine too. haha dont worry bout the money spent. its spent on happy moments its all worth it. and kway chap is spelt this way not kuay. hahaha, you never learn.

gonna miss woodlands mart and the park for quite some time i guess. thankful for the great memories. haha.

well... all that i hope, is that you had enjoyed your time with me, hope to you i had done my part as a boyfriend, or as someone u loved. hope u had fun with me, hope u really felt loved from me. if u do, i'm happy and good enough already. :)

good night joey. work hard, :) i want to see you promote as well.










































































































































































































i want to cry in your shoulders and arms... just one last time...
thank you, for all sacrifices you have made for me. and now its time i return you this sacrifice.

1 week 3 days

monday, its a monday, the fresh start of a week and of course school. started off with pe. tot its gonna be fun, well, yea floorball is fun, enjoyed myself. but it always have to end off badly. i collided with a classmate, and he hit my right ankle. so right now its swollen again, and its twisted leftwards. i had to push it back out myself later. freaking pain, but can't blame anyone. hahaha.

so today i realized you unfollowed me on twitter. well... not that i can blame you or be unhappy bout anything. true i'm sad that this is happening. maybe you dont even want to see my name at all. maybe the sight of my name wil irritate you or make you sad or annoyed what so ever. its just sad on my part though. but what can be done? nothing. it's not within my control.
Loneliness sucks. Really sucks... After sch 215, i've got no company, no one to talk to and no one to interact with till 8. So ive been just rotting all this while. And unexpectedly. I thought of you. Loneliness sucks so much, i feel so terrible inside, i cried. I couldnt control it.

yea i miss you, a lot. and i still can't stop thinking bout you, and how you are doing. i tried to cry, but the tears no longer drop, not because i moved on, but because i'm numb.

good to see you smiling around in school, laughing about and stuff. life's pretty much better for you now eh? just be careful not to get stressed up. jiayou joey... no matter what i'm always behind you all the way

moved on

im ready to let you go le. ready to move on. it no longer hurts. yes its sad that all these is happening. but well, to know u feel happy. i will feel happy for you to! hhaha ur dream came true? maybe you will kiss him in school! hahaha. boy'o'boy, sometimes i still feel horny sia. shall control and fuck a coke bottle already. HAHAHA jk~ jiayou joey! do remember me please? haha i'm gary cheung, the one who taught you how to play pool. :) and the senior who accompanied you through the first quarter of jc life :)

last song.

cries

I miss you, but do you miss me? I love you, but do you still have feelings for me? I want to be with you and accompany you, but do you want my presence? I really... Really. Miss you
 :'(

1%

im 99% sure i can't have you, but it's that 1% that keeps me going. hope you enjoyed your day at the beach. good night. sweet dreams

dear god

dear god, i've been talking to you for the past week. but what is really the answer to what am i suppose to do? i love her. i do. and i know it even though we dont talk, we dont meet or anything at all. there's jsut something keeping me from staying away from her. i can't stop thinking bout her. i can't. but when i do i see things that doesn't make me happy. well they say that if the person you love is happy then you should be happy for him/her too. is that really true? oh god... please guide me my path ahead. for i can't deny my feelings. but i can deny my intentions...

no idea

the truth is... i have no idea, what you are thinking. and i have no idea, what should i do. glad you had fun today, going to the beach. hope you are taking care of yourself still.

i love you, really really love you still. but i guess, i really can't hold on anymore do i? its not even a choice if i wish to hold on or not, right?

confused

someone please tell me, how should i walk this road

1 week

its been exactly a week already... its kinda bad for me still. no signs of improvement. only increased focus in studying. i wonder how's your revision going... its been very long since i heard from you le. well, right now you are ignoring every text i send to you, and i aint receiving any word from you. guess this is what we have become after all... studying alone might be the best way to study too joey. 3 hours of zero distractions might be good. and yes... its really a very lonely thing... but sometimes being alone might be the best time to think. glad to know you are laughing about and smiling. its nice to know that. honestly. :)

don't know how you feel right now. only hope that you will still think of me at times. and in a good way. thats what i hope for. at least. haha...

are things going well for you? have you been sleeping well? did you take care of yourself? are you still eating the medicine mum made you eat? are you protecting yourself? these are the question i ask myself everytime i see you. and i wonder how are you right now. hows handling the migraine? are you feeling better? why so lonely? why didnt you call me out? why didnt you ask me to pei you? maybe it isnt me, you really wanted his company. i've been thinking too much have i?

not going to lie

im not going to lie. its true, ive been suppressing my feelings for the past week. and it sucks to the max. i wonder how you manage to pull through. at least now u are doing well, you have the one u like, great people around you whenever you needed them. its good for you.

all these while. all i ever wanted. is for someone to hug me. someone who can hug me. let me cry my heart out, let me whine all my unhappiness and regret that was kept within me all these time. but it ended up as just a wait. because no one truly knew how much i needed a bit more warmth and comfort. i might lose playing ball, lose playing sports. and that fear in me i've suppressed it. people say i slack i slack, i can just eat it down. why do i bother going all the way down to admiralty? so that i can walk down memory lane and go emo with it? i really miss all those places. it happened so fast and abrupt... i couldnt take it. really not. because i truly loved everything of you. and for me to move on, i will have to give up bit by bit, part by part of you. but we just did so many things together, too much i have to forget to move on. i will never forget the feel and touch of your face. though i wanted to feel it one last time. i will never forget every moment we spent together. its just so hard. maybe i did not give time enough time...

do you know how much it hurts to me when you said no one wanted you for anything? it hurts so freaking bad. because i wanted you so badly. for anything and everything. the feeling of not being wanted. the feeling of not of any use. why dont you look at me bah... no doubt i will love to have your body, for sexual desires or even as a figurine for me to hug. but your heart is more important to me, in fact the most impt thing to me. but all these, wouldn't matter anymore.

perhaps i had say too much. i wonder if all these words will mean anything to you...
or maybe now all that is left of me in you, is a pathetic crybaby, lovesick dick, but do take note. its also because of you, had i become such a lovesick. its because i truly loved you.

tough road ahead

hey joey,

read your blog and tweets. i know the path ahead is so going to be painful for you and stuff, but do note, its just the beginning. you have to hang in there. just that 70 days and everything will be very much over le! dont doubt your abilities joey... first of all, being selected as captain is to prove you have what it takes to lead others and stuff. yes you need to be a role model and all that, but its key idea is to bring everyone together. you are doing it great now already. and its really really good compared to the first few weeks of election. 

today, my form teachers and mdm ho ask me to meet them. to talk. as always, talk. and duh its all bout studies and stuff. and know what? mdm ho made me go to the counsellor's room and book a time slot to talk to him. and ask if there is anyway to push me in my studies and help me through. haha, seems legit, and good thing. but to me, it made me feel like i dont have the ability to judge what's right and wrong, and i need extra help to shape my mindset. you mean there's something wrong with me? like mentally retarded or dumb? hahaha its a joke, really. just so f up. teachers of aj. 

so pool after that. great memories. really really great memories. hahaha, the first time we played, and times we played with elaine and huitien, played after chinese new year meal, hahaha, just wonderful all these memories. playing pool don't feel the same anymore. lol so thankful to you for all these great memories.

went home after that, walked the basement of hub, where we will walk for hours trying to find your iphone cover, your iphone screen protector, walking in to cotton on... hahaha. its damn cool and interesting that when you walk past memory lanes and images of a certain person will pop out in your mind. :)

so you wanted to close ur eyes and rest ur head on his shoulders. thats nice. :) and i believe u will love it a lot to be able to do that. jiayou in pursuing the happiness you wish for bah. dont fake ur smiles and laughter anymore joey! its not worth it to keep it inside and suffer. you trusted me and told me all bout it. if u wish to i am always here for you to tell me bout ur unhappiness. perhaps sharing ur unhappiness may be the last bit of thing i can ever do for you already. since happiness doesnt come from me. then unhappiness be given to me. you will feel better one. really. i'm just so so glad, that elaine is in your life, to be able to make things much better for you. :) really am. 

smile joey, smile. you look really really pretty when you smile. i stare at you from afar during your lunch break. seeing you smile makes me feel slightly happier too. well, i dont know how you feel inside, but as far as i know, many will be mesmerized by the radiance of your smile. i will miss that smile. but at least i will get to see it again. :) 

dont get too stressed up. its impt to relax a bit once in a while.

take care, dont let yourself fall sick. must rest well. drink more water!

goodnight joey... you are really a great part of my life. though it feels like i've been kept in an old cabinet in your heart, im glad we walked to even 5 mths. for we could have ended 7 months ago. im very thankful already. :) glad to know you say you aint gonna emo anymore. i believe you can do it. you have the determination. so just do it, for you can achieve.

not to say i am emo, not to say i am lovesick. but right now, i really wished i was the one you would want to lie on, you would talk to me when you feel sad, and i would be the one to hug you and say its ok joey, we can always try again. but no, it will never be this again. for things have changed between you and me. it hurts, really hurts terribly. it hurts even more to see you being so sad right now. i dont know if i could ever cheer you up, or if i was even given the opportunity, to make a difference in your life. if i really am just a sad and useless part of your life... 
i will still remember clearly, that 2 days before the end, i will still say i love you, good night, sweet dreams, good morning. we will still have smiles and hahas in our messages. 2 days later, it changed from the hilltop to 0. yea i guess im just lamenting, and im just being emo for now. and thinking bout everything now. but since you have decided on it, i guess i should try my best to stop thinking bout it too bah. its good. good to know you will move on and find the happiness you want. even i feel happy for you, just like sherilynn, leaving me is the right choice for her. similarly, i hope all the best for you as well. :) thank you, girlfriend. 

reasons

i will blog all these, so that in the future when i read all these again, i will remember the pain and unhappiness that i have gone through because of my mistakes. and i will make sure i wont repeat the same mistakes again. not to emo.


and joey. i wont try to fake being happy. u wont like to see me faking happy. then why bother when people are saying im acting like some fucking retard emo like some shit? no one knows how i feel inside. it still hurts. it does. just not that much thats all. and how will i feel seeing you saying all those shy and affectionate things to him. how do i feel? good? damn good. so good i just wanna close my eyes and try forget what i saw. doesnt matter to you anyway. if give up is not a good word. tell me what is, move on? they have the same contextual meaning.

day 5

5th day, helped u in hmwk, passed you your work. felt so stranger all of a sudden. and just doesnt feel the same. no more thank you with smiles. hahaha, kinda awkward sia. but oh well. lol.

every now and then i look at my phone, and wondering again. kinda miss you scolding me and being irritated by me. hahaha, i dunno why but it just feels this way. feels like a joke right now but really, when i think bout it it really is quite funny that i will think bout these stuff. hahaha.

game of vegeterian no more le eh? haha change back to malay food stall. hahaha not bad. take care wor, dont eat so much spicy stuff under this crazy weather. but aiya, ask you dont eat spicy might as well as you to go on diet. hahaha. epic lol. hope training was fun for you. most impt is useful and helpful. jiayou bah~

haha cannot give you real hugs anymore, so give you online hugs. *hug*, hahahaha jiayou! :) hopefully i can go back to the court again bah! haha

looking at whatsapp. hahaha cant stop laughing and smiling to myself. goodnight~ wa damn cute hahahaha. cant tank. LLOLL. and all the alien looking pictures. LOL. scary sia.hahahaha! and plus all the pretty one la. pretty one not so impactful la. hahaha, the funnier ones really much better. hhahahahaaha

good night to you. sorry my words may be kinda crude.

cruel truth

things feel like the past. i will help u with hmwk, give you ideas, help you print the assignments. but the sad and hard truth is. gary, it aint the same anymore... stop dreaming already bah... haha i guess. so i shall just stay in my living room to do my chem. staring at my phone, and wondering if there will be a time when u will ever call me like the past. i guess its just my willful thinking. gary, you have been thinking too much already. i guess. didnt expect... i will still tear at this stage

heartbeat... really been beating all these while

good night bah... :)

damn catchy!!

haha just cant tank this song is too catchy for me

day 4

so its the 4th day. kinda interesting you talked to me first. haha kinda unexpected. but oh well. the moment i talk and it annoys you straightaway already. how interesting can it get. lol. boring~ its damn boring~ school life is damn boring~ hahaha no training even more boring~ reminds me of vivian vlog. LOL. omg. oh well. hahaha

jiayou bah, drink bbt no pearl lol. control yourself wor. dont drink so much :)

physical warmth. do you need it? as much as i do? or even more than i do? and i will still be here for you. lol.

good night :) take care of your flu

shall wait for my checkup, which will determine if i can ever play ball again. haha, how anxious to know the results. i wanna train so badly

chiong hmwk ah!!! finish chem , physics and gp by tonight! then math tmr. oh boy, im the Chiong-ster. or should i say the Cheung-ster. HAHA lame~ damn lame cant tank. no wonder i cannot walk properly now. too lame liao. hahahaha

doesnt mean i dont want you back still.

haiz

thank you for still loving me. and definitely thank you for letting me hug you. its sad to let you go. i couldnt bear to... but, if its what you want i have to let you go dont i? haha just an old song i used to listen. because i am an emo freak. lol. :) yea, love you... but will it matter to you? i don't know...

haha good bye is always the hardest to say. how much i yearn to look at you, but how much i try to avoid looking at you. i dont wanna see the face of being annoyed. i wanna see the face of smiling. yet, i didnt have the courage to. felt so awkward. so stranger, waving to you at the mrt station. i tried to hold all my emotions... well glad i did. :) hope u have a great night with elaine tonight

haha listened to music and started snapping. then remembered you dont know how to snap. lol. jiayou in learning bah! the term 'ok can' and 'sure' has already been lost already.

cup noodles never tasted the same. haha, neither does playing pool been as interesting already. 

3rd day

I may be a lovesick dick. I may be a fucker to you. But now I still cry, I still fight. Because I cared and cherish what we have. You can scold me now, you can make me as down as whatever. But it's all because I still miss you do I feel the pain. Its because I cared for what we both  have. I really do miss what we have. But, I guess it can no longer be helped... Im sorry for making you piss everyday in the morning, spoiling your day and everything... But still, I never meant to do it

Just something for you to ponder bout. If you did miss me, have you thought of what it will be to accept me again and see the difference? Will you feel happier? Lol. If you did, but the answer is no because you didn't dare to, ask yourself, have you given yourself the chance to love him or let him love you back? Have you thought of accepting him if he really did change for the better? How you really really missed him? And do you still have feelings for him.
I always ask myself all these whenever sherilynn came back to me. And its cause of these I learnt what it means to give the person a chance to love again. :)

Just to think through only. Not a threat. Not an advice. Just a passing remark

last time

hahaha. study hard bah. if theres still a chance im still opeing my doors to you. jiayou bah

end of day 2

haha, so things are getting more and more emotional. but less and less painful. yea i walked through the best memories of you and me. tears are bound to drop. i know. so i prepared 4 packets of tissue! HAHA come on man praise me. im so smart. lol. no la its called preparation. but its impossible to avoid feeling the pain. lol. the pain of not being able to enjoy life with you already. haha. meh. didnt do hmwk this entire weekend, gonna be screwed when school open! HAHA DEAD!!!

well it might be the last few times i will be allowed to say goodnight, sweet dreams and i love you to you le. hahah. well the last one is already not allowed le. guess moved on without me. i will try my best, to fix my feelings. and to be able to face u again. whether u are with anyone, smiling or frowning. i will try my best. hahaha

good night girl. thanks for being such a marvelous part of my life. you've been great. :)
good luck in life bah. whatever thats left for me to say. its in my mind. if we ever get to meet. then i will say. haha night night girl!

i cried. even as i say all these. but. you wont care anymore. that's why i smile, to let u feel better.

day 2

Its worse... I didnt even sleep at all. Terrible horrible vegetable. And now im at the place where I feel comfortable. Counted and walked 319 steps as usual, looking and counting the number of trees by the roadside, seeing if the school has been repainted, looking out for snails in case I step onto them. Avoiding bicycles on pedestrian walkways. Every step I take is a different image of you appearing in my mind. Not the image reflecting character. But the image of what we might be doing.

So I stood here, in deep thought again. Its so interesting... How I wish I had an iPad to read manga. How I wish I have a wintermelon tea to accompany. And how I wish... Its just.. Wishes. So I thought again, breakfast. Gary do you want to eat kway chap. Yes dad I do. But not khatib one. I know of a place where I love the kway chap there. Not because it's very tasty. But because every mouth of it can make you feel happier. Im gonna miss woodlands mart. Im going to miss the park. Im going to miss sending you home. Oh how much more...

haha block 734, i wonder if we will meet again. i wonder if i will get to walk to your lift lobby again. i wonder if i will get to stare at the window panes before taking a cab back again. its all wondering and wondering. hahaha i lied. i didnt go away today at all. i stayed there till 12+, until i felt i was ready to meet society again. went down, and walked a few rounds. walked woodlands mart, see if the bbt uncle was there, see if the atm machines are still as crazy as ever. walk back to see the park, to see mei mei's tuition centre. and last but not least. to the bus stop, where i can stare at your windows...

after that left. ate ice cream, before heading to amk and attempted to study at mac. failed. the moment i eat a fries, i think bout what ever that happen at mac. we will go home late and eat mac after training. we will wake up early in the morning go admiratly place eat, we will skip schools and stay at mac. hahaha. and its fries that rush all these memories into me.

dessert shop, entered. and tried the honeydew sago. not bad, kinda cooling. hahaha good recommendation by you. :) a very good one too. and thats bout it today. quite a fruitful day. but when school starts gonna get screwed damn badly. hahahaha

end of day 1

the night is coming to an end. but my soul is not resting. my eyes are tired, but my mind is not. theres just so many things to think bout. u probably might be disgusted with me being emotional, being a dick or just plainly wont care anymore. but i can only say this is already much better. because at least i still communicate with people. there's just simply... too many memories i can think of, and wish to relive. i smiled, but i cried after that. well, at least after crying i feel better. more numb i suppose. haha off to the beach alone tmr. the only place where i can really scream my heart out.

our first conversation...

• • this is a hack i swear. ok not. anyways just to tell u try to do a drop ball when spiking ballsthat are close to the net... cos its easy to getblocked.anyways enjoy chinese new year!

• 
  

  21 January

  Joey Lim

  • you are?
• 
  

  21 January

  Gary Cheung

  • oh gosh if I talk bout vball definitely someone u know. Ok im Gary!!!!!! As shown by the name above. Maybe they introduced me as ah peh to u all
• 
  

  21 January

  Joey Lim

  • nope, i dont know you. Hahaha.
  • oh youre the yellow shirt dude.
• 
  

  21 January

  Gary Cheung

  • Hahahaha. Oh yes. I'm the yellow shirt one. Hahaha. Man. But dont call me yellow man. Cos... I dunno. Yellow man... Makes me feel like a banana?
• 
  

  21 January

  Joey Lim

  • Oh, I'm definitely calling you yellow man. Thanks for the idea! Hahaha
  • Thanks for your advice, but I don't dare drop ball cos mr chua like damn particular about my spiking.
• 
  

  21 January

  Gary Cheung

  • Hahaha oh gosh now I have 4 nick names in the girls team tyvm. Hahaha. Hmmm. Ok Wed wear blue already. Get away from a banana. how's training today?
• 
  

  21 January

  Joey Lim

  • Always ask me "LOCK LOCK FASTER FASTER"
  • okay la. Hahaha. No muo qi yet leh,
  • Needs time.
  • I too long never play ball also
  • Damn lousy now 
• 
  

  21 January

  Gary Cheung

  • Hahahahahahaha. Eh now that u remind me of it its really true. Rofl. Hmmm. But what he said is true. Errr... U got the jump height. Just need to lock faster the ball will spi. Down much faster.  haha muo qi? its trained thru gossiping and having meals together.  on the court will only stay silent as ppl won't know who has got the initiative to take the ball.
• 
  

  21 January

  Gary Cheung

  • Wa I suddenly feel like im a great story teller. Ask huicheng haha. I used to tell stories
• 
  

  21 January

  Joey Lim

  • I know. Trying to work on that. Shoulder hurts pretty badly so need to do sth about it soon. Haha you're damn weird, you sent me a fb msg yet you didn't add me as a friend? Hahaha
  • Yeah. All of us black face today, last part haha.
• 
  

  21 January

  Gary Cheung

  • Hahaha u also dunno me u might reject mah. I using phone now. K wait hahaha. Hmmm. Shoulder hurts?? Ok I know why Liao!! Ur spiking technique is wrong. U are trying to use strength instead of moving ur armssa!! I guess? But why shoulder painn??? Muscle ache? Lol. That explains why Kimberly massaged for u
• 
  

  21 January

  Joey Lim

  • No la. Damn old injury, la dao ma. Hahaha yeah Kimberly damn cute
  • Hahaha, you're a stalker!
• 
  

  21 January

  Gary Cheung

  • Hey im not a stalker. Whatever that happened on court I could see de mah. Haha while im searching for loopholes in the formation these are the interesting little things I will see. Haha woah. Kimberly is a very noisy girl. Once she starts talking she can't stop. Wonder why is she so quiet today. Hmmm....
• 
  

  21 January

  Gary Cheung

  • Oh haha got see a doc before??
• 
  

  21 January

  Joey Lim

  • Haha Nope. Won't die la, can ren.
• 
  

  21 January

  Gary Cheung

  • Haha oh well your choice. Just don't be like me. Tot can ren my knee injury but it give way during finals last year and im almost immobile. Hahaha. Wa so late le still dont sleep??
• 
  

  21 January

  Joey Lim

  • I just got back home,
  • Waiting for my hair to dry. Haha
  • Take care  I'll take care
  • OHHH YOU'RE THE GUY I OWNED WHEN I SPIKE ZHI XIAN TODAY
  • Hahahaha
• 
  

  21 January

  Gary Cheung

  • WA party until so jialat?? Lol. Don't be like Hong jiayi everyday sleep at 4can already. Scary eh shheesh. Haha yea. Gotta take care man. One injury will lead to another easily.
• 
  

  21 January

  Joey Lim

  • I went to work can?!!!! I don't party
• 
  

  21 January

  Gary Cheung

  • Waaa work?? So qing Lao? Work where?? As what?? Haha last day le ah?? Damn!!!!!!! Eeek? Party as in.... Dinner or outing.... Not clubbing or what... Hahaha. Haiyo so serious
• 
  

  21 January

  Joey Lim

  • I v guai one
  • Nope 28th last day!
  • Clinic assistant at serangoon gardens
• 
  

  21 January

  Gary Cheung

  • Waaaa really?? Haha if guai why so late.reach home?? Ok what clinic. Hahaha whr I mean. Oh boy this gonna be fun
• 
  

  21 January

  Joey Lim

  • Serangoon gardens! I ended work at 1030
  • And I live pretty far awayfrom there so come home late lor
• 
  

  21 January

  Gary Cheung

  • Ooo. Address!!! Maybe one day I happy mood I go pay a visit. Hahaha. Oh man. Damn fun. Hmmm... How do you find ur team anyway. Just be honest. Cos when it comes to commenting im the master 
  • I mean address of work place. Not home. I cannot ask girl home where unless I boyfriend lol

• 
  

  21 January

  Joey Lim

  • No way I'm telling you, hahaha! You're not visiting me when I'm working. Not ever
  • Hmm. It's alright, the girls there quite bimbo HAHA
  • Its fun to be w them
  • But skills wise, not very stable,
  • Not easy to play w them, 
• 
  

  21 January

  Gary Cheung

  • Hahahaha man nvm. Some way I shud be able to find out. But nvm bout that. Serangoon kinda far for me too. Lol. Yes I agree. Esp ur next year same batch teammates. The what queeniehumblebeeeeeeeeeee. Errrrr Vivian omg and xin pei hahaha. Imba-ness
• 
  

  21 January

  Joey Lim

  • What imba?
  • The bimbo part ah?
• 
  

  21 January

  Gary Cheung

  • Ya ya ya. Haha I can't find anyone I know currently who will do things to their extend.heard of a vlog thing they posted??
• 
  

  21 January

  Joey Lim

  • I only know Vivian had a vlog
  • Shekeep pestering me to do one on my blog also lol
• 
  

  21 January

  Gary Cheung

  • Hahaha. Its not only her. Its the 3of them. Ok whatever that is said here cannot be spread.ok? Dun want any troubles within yr team. Hhahaha.
• 
  

  21 January

  Joey Lim

  • Hahaha yeah sure hahaha nope idk
• 
  

  21 January

  Gary Cheung

  • In fact the boys team have watches all the videos they posted. And as a matter of fact.... They find it a joke. So dont do it!!
• 
  

  21 January

  Joey Lim

  • I told them I'm never doing a vlog
  • Damn chui
  • HAHA
  • You guys don't like them ah?! So bad
  • So mean Iean
  • So mean I mean***
• 
  

  21 January

  Gary Cheung

  • ok good. Haha. I have used a programme to dl their vid into my second phone and the guys are like watching it everytime before training so that they could get a good laugh and enter training with enthusiasm. Haha. Thankful to them for helping me do my job of entertaining them
  • Haha we never said anything bout don't like them ah
• 
  

  21 January

  Joey Lim

  • ...... So mean
  • SO MEAN
• 
  

  21 January

  Gary Cheung

  • Haha if they pester u just say no webcam haha
• 
  

  21 January

  Joey Lim

  • hahaha! No way I'm vlogging don't worry
• 
  

  21 January

  Gary Cheung

  • Noooooo. Its called utilizing resources for better purposes.
  • Hahaaha if u vlog we got more things to watch le. Weeeeeeeee. Hahaha. Ok shhh. U are the only one in the girls team who knows the boys team saw their Vids lol. Ok enough of bimbotic. How bout skills wise lol
• 
  

  21 January

  Joey Lim

  • Hahaha NO
  • Thanks im honored 
  • Skills? Not v stable,
  • Don't think they're good la lol, 
  • Honestly.
• 
  

  21 January

  Gary Cheung

  • Wa honored? Hahaha means u gor a responsibility on hand!! Eh... Well. Offense wise count on huicheng. Their libero left cos results so defense will drop. Hhaha. Don't compare them with huitien they all. Can't compare de. Haha. Well... The only thing I can say is... Do what you must do. Don't regret. Haha. Its like now my boys team... I feel that they are heck a neck lousy. And im not so tired of talking to them. They need prove to me they dont need me to play.
• 
  

  21 January

  Joey Lim

  • You jc2?
• 
  

  21 January

  Gary Cheung

  • Sad to say no. Played too much last year. I retained. Same as crystal. But well. Guess it's a fact I must accept??  hmm. Wa u very evil eh. I typed a compo u reply mw with 5letters and 1number
    
    
    
    
    the saddest part. is to know how things are becoming. jy bah... no matter what you say to me just now... it doesnt really matter. what really matters to me, its that we really loved each other before. hope we did. Well... I just pray that u will be happy. I really do. Same story for sherilynn. Im glad she's moved on and happy now. But it still hurts me. Good luck joey. Thank you for being the biggest part of my life for 5months. I may have been whiny and all stuff. But what I really do, is I did love you with all my heart. :) smile. For you are pretty with it.