regrets

a lot of things has happened this year. ranging from studies, volleyball, competitions, relationship, family etc.
deep in my heart i know this aint gonna be a smooth sailing year ever since i retained. but what can i say? i didnt work hard enough and retained. lost my position as captain, lost friends, fragile relations with family and whats worse my heart is drifted away from studies and my relationship with you. i have always been thinking bout other things. could be because im a pessimist? am i a pessimist? coaches and teachers blame me for the cause of a lost match. families blame me for not spending time with them. sometimes im too dumb and others blame me. no one. really no one, has ever clapped their hands and said good job gary. am i really really... such a fail? right now maintaining my relationship is hard as well. u are going through a lot and you will be busier by the days. gradually you wont have time for me. will i be a forgotten part in your mind? im starting to fear. im starting to despise myself. i really just wish i wont need to study, i wont need to be given pressure, i wont need to hold any responsibilities. but in life, that only happens when u are sleeping in the soil.