training

LOL kena knock out for a moment today during training. damn funny seeing stars and blur vision. its so damn cool. but walao it feels sick. LOL

haiz... i still cant bring myself to look you in the eye... its just not there yet. haiz...

it hurts.. really hurts.. because i still have that feeling... that bit of missing you... and that bit of loving you...

dreams

Why am I even dreaming about you... Doesn't make sense... I shouldn't be. And I dont think it's right for me to be... There's nothing left how is it possible. Ughhh now i can't sleep at all.... :'( every night is just so painful

song...

still thinking. and thinking

haiz. why must u text me. why are you even telling me how miserable u are feeling now? how horrible or whatever shit you are feeling now? what can i do? when you decided to leave me first... i don't know how to help... because i no longer have that responsibility to already... the rest is up to you already... haiz... i wonder how the future will unfold itself

funny

funny how things have changed. even more funny how i found my old self. lol. guess its time to rock and roll again

looking back

as i look back these past month.. i really really miss.. but i guess i shouldnt have that mindset already. still. it saddens me. lol. oh well... grateful to many people... my classmates, brothers, denecia, kar eng, mr chua, joelle... if not for them i srsly dont know if i could stand up and be strong again.... i must remember this. and help them in the future.

that high feeling..

that high feeling you get when u add salt to an ulcer. an ulcer as big as a 5c coin. holy fk.

so i saw u studying. thats good. at least you are working hard.

sat by the field as in rained. i love rains. it sets me thinking and i tend to be a little emotional. rains are nice. :)

great songs

when you were mine - lady antebellum

ready to love again- lady antebellum

as you turn away- lady antebellum

wanted you more- lady antebellum

hate the fact

hate the fact that i still miss you.. it sucks. really really sucks.. haiz... at least ur hair's permed already. i wont miss you as much. LOL

ready to love again

haiz... again

i don't hate you at all. it's very tiring to hate someone. especially someone you once loved a lot. its even more tiring... hope u can understand and stop hurling vulgarities at me. it sucks. and spoils ppl mood. just keep things to yourself willl you? haiz... so much to say. so much i hold back. because it will only spoil you. enjoy weekends bah. jiayou.

impatient

growing more and more impatient. i cant wait to get rid of you in my life. can't stand it anymore. i guess im starting to hate. really despising. but whatever~

promo in less than 7 weeks time. better rush.

you better promote. dont let ppl down.

complicated

should i hate you? or hate myself? or hate everything? hate the fact he hugs your bag. hate everything and anything.

思念

我真的很想念你，你为什么会就这样离开了我呢？我的心好痛。我爱你那么深，就是怕你会难过，没想到，爱得越深，你却走得越远。抓得太紧你却吵着要放开。你真的有爱过我吗？难道我真只是个代替者？我又那么的烂吗？我怀念海军部，怀念你家，怀念那只狗，怀念那张床，怀念的更多。。。

现在，我只希望，你过得还好。。。

再见了，我的爱人。。。

hurt

hurts... it still hurts... haiz... fuck my life man.

why...

why is it that the moment i think bout all that happened for the past 6 mth. i cry
why is it that the moment i think bout you i have a strong sense of disappointment and sadness
why is it that the moment i look at the photos we had, i cry.
why....

tried

force myself to hate you. failed. force myself not to have a sense of hostility against you. failed. tried to be amiable with you. failed. so just let it be. strangers

insane? yes i am

i'm taking this final step. final step to let you go. really go. i cannot stand having you talking mushy stuff and all those nonsense anymore. i cannot face it. so i decided to take this last step. its stupid. because deep inside me its hurting so badly to say all those words to you. but i guess its not a choice. i had to. its either i say and let you go off completely, or i am stuck in that small hole inside ur heart. waiting for you to dig it out. decided its better if u just hate me and leave me completely alone. maybe it will be better for both parties. haiz... regret? maybe maybe not. i chose this path. shall walk this path myself. without your company anymore. good bye forever i guess. i'm giving u up, because i think u will be much much much happier without me in ur life. jsut like sherilynn. so yea. go bah. i will just be a senior in ur vball team. thats all

you

everyone tells me, you aint worth me at all. i shall be a good boy. and let it be. you are no longer worth it anymore.

18th day

wow. saw queenie being emotional during my aftnn pe. haiz how sad can it get. well at least i got company for my therapy and physical training right now. lol at jing wei and queenie. damn funny.

and now, the only way i could bring myself to let go, is to take it that you gave me up for your team. and that its not cos of other things. that way i can maybe feel better. can say im avoiding the truth. but who cares if it can make me feel better? lol. sometimes avoiding the cruel truth can be happier.

gp test today. fucking fun man. so difficult. ahaha. can get 1 mark also song liao~ woo...

looking forward to tmr. but not the holidays. because i know u will be out enjoying with others. so i better shut my ears and eyes close

17days passed

17 days pass. 17 freaking days i never had a good night at all. 17 days i never slept for more than 3 hours. 17 days i had been losing focus, losing myself and losing what i set out for... something is wrong with me. i better fix myself soon.

so i forced myself awake, forced myself to do this and that. and the only thing i couldnt force myself to is to do hmwk. LOL totally no motivation at all. realize dreams of going prom tgr and everything all gone. it just dawn on me that u have left me. really left me. so i opened my eyes. but not sure which path to take anymore. i have no idea where to go...

chanced upon this video when i was browsing thru youtube. lol. the first time u been to my place and we were replaying this non stop LOL. epic moments.

decided. every month the 20th... will do smth to remind myself of smth. lol

moving on

well, doesnt hurt that much anymore. but the moment i think bout it again, cant help but feel sad. hahaha. oh well... meh. time to think of a duck climbing up a tree. lol.

so many epic stories of the olympics. kinda interesting, see athletes battle, make mistakes and the spirit and determination. there's a lot to learn. even from non-volleyball. some how i think its quite healthy to watch these stuff. lol.

so i didnt do hmwk this weekend. reflecting upon everything. and finding a solution to remove this pain. haha not easy at all man.

haha regarding vball... i shall see how much longer i can hold bah. shouldnt be a problem after i go for both my treatments next month :)

and to you my special friend. i hope u will have great memories, and look upon school happily. well i know u are enjoying sch now. haha. but dont forget to set your priorities :) jy bah... if u still wanna see me play 1 last time in a competition. lol. good night.

lol sia

lol. ur straight hair really looks better :/ but aiya your preference. lol. you like it can liao. so who spoilt ur night? lol go and take a stack of incense and shaft it into that bitch's ass hole. hahaha. joey im out of sporting already... but im going to push my self to my limits and see how far i can go. haha. study hard girl!

and i still wonder... how is it possible to love a person one day... and then another person the next day... it puzzles me... lol

denecia told me, it's your loss. for you might have lost the person who could have loved you most. i might have lost this moment of happiness, but i will learn to find people who deserves it more. so i stood back, think bout it. but i knew, you could always find a guy who could love you more than i could. :) all the best. jy!

hair perming day

lol so u permed your hair. shall wait to see the results then. lol.

haiz.. sad. because i was supposed to be there. but i guess things have changed... haha

pain

the pain of, having to give up someone you love so badly, just so that she could be more happy. this feeling. i doubt u really know what it means.

how can i bring myself to be happy?

when my feelings were never lost.

when all i feel is shattered and sadness

exactly 2 weeks

its been 2 weeks. time's up for me. but well, im no where near what i intended to be. i cried as i watched you walked towards canteen buy food, sit down eat, talk to queenie, talk to mr chua. and finally by coincidence we walked past each other... but we feel like strangers... what in the world is happening... haiz... i lost so much in just that few minutes...

good to know that you are training hard. jiayou bah. dont give up.

good night... rest well. sweet dreams.

lesson

to be the captain, you need not be the best player. you need to be the most motivational one
to be a vball player, you need not be a very strong person.
but having strength definitely will help you a lot. i know u are trying hard already. i know, but mr chua may not know. though he calls you weak, it might just serve as a way for you to strive even further? just like previously... what he told you bout me... perhaps he just want you to work a little harder? i know you have been working hard too... dont give up. u will reap the rewards off it. dont let a minor setback stop you.. you can de. jiayou!

13 days

so 13 days have passed... i'm still not close to totally moving on. i still think of you, look out for you, and trying to avoid you so you won't feel awkward. i wonder how have you been. well i no longer have any rights to ask, how are you? have you eaten? slept well? where did you go today? it feels so weird right now... so not used to it. but maybe in the future i will.

well chem spa i also got 4/20. imba. didnt even do calculation part cause titration all wrong. lol. dont worry, go memorize the answer key can de. work hard during training, and off training as well bah. u can do it de. well you are smiling more, laughing more and yea its good. very good. jiayou bah....

my treatment is during sep holiday, my ankle treatment is next sat. but no one can be there for me. how sad. just sad...
you said you need a long hug... i think i need more than just that right now

start of august

time is ticking real fast~ less than 55 days already. jiayou bah. so i saw you today after math test, snapped at you. wonder if u did saw me and just pretended you didnt, or you really didnt see me at all. but i doubt its the second one. its too obvious already. math test sucks right? LOL. its just a sample of aj math.

went for workout, dancen study and ball. after that went to observe training a while. everyone needs to buck up, really everyone. but well i guess physical aint good enough for everyone. even the guys. so just jiayou bah...

met denecia after that for dinner. great friend. talked bout my feelings and the relationship we had. well i guess what she says does make a lot of sense. and very encouraging. but ultimately, no one knows what my feelings really are... oh well. doesn't matter anymore already.

feelings are still there. it still hurts. i will even cry... but no one can be there for me.

knock knock.
who's there?
~~~ who?